Why We Can’t Access Emotional Repair Tools When We Need Them Most (And What to Do About It)

What happens when you have all the knowledge, tools, strategies, and words to facilitate emotional repair, but still can’t access them?

My colleagues and I were in a staff training this week discussing exactly that. In trauma treatment, especially, we often see individuals who have the tools, but they just can’t reach for them when they need them most.

The Role of Resentment in Emotional Blockages

We talked about an example where someone may be stuck in resentment. They know the words they need to say and the vulnerability they need to show to facilitate repair, but they just can’t do it.

Why?

Often, resentment serves a protective function. It’s a defense mechanism that says:

"If you stay stuck in this place, then the behavior that hurt you won’t happen again."

The resentment becomes a visible signal to others that something was not okay, and it can’t happen again.

Trauma and the Distrust of Change

The issue is that this protective mechanism, while understandable, often doesn't work long-term. For individuals with a trauma history, their lived experience may have taught them: 

"You can't trust that things will change, because they never did before."

So, the resentment settles in, not just as an emotion, but as a strategy. A strategy to protect, to guard, and to avoid further pain.

Shifting the Relationship with Resentment

Healing begins when we approach that resentment with curiosity and compassion, rather than judgment. By seeing resentment as a protector, we allow space to ask:

• Why is this here?

• What is it trying to do for me?

• What would it take for it to step back?

  
  

This allows for increased regulation around the discomfort that often comes with vulnerability.

Moving Toward Repair and Connection

When resentment is no longer in the driver’s seat, people can begin to engage in the strategies that lead to genuine repair and reconnection, especially in relationships where trust and safety can be rebuilt.

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